There's a great problem in our western society that no one talks about. The problem is the little-to-none sex education for boys about their sexuality, about how to act around women and about how to become real, authentic and honest men. Girls get to know about what sex is all about at least when they get their period(probably?) - but almost all boys don't ever talk with anyone about sex. This dysfunctional dynamic of modern society - and all the shame that is associated with sex - leads boys to learn about sex, women and life, all on their own on a trial-and-error basis. And the most obvious place to get an idea about sex is - obviously - porn.
So in this perspective - porn fills the gap that our society left unfilled - providing the sex education for people that never received one. However - porn is flawed because it does not represent real life sex and lovemaking. Yes - it shows how the men parts get inside the women parts - but otherwise - the whole narrative of the porn movies is flawed.
It's showing sex as just a physical act, deprived of emotions and love. It's showing women only as sexual objects with their sole purpose to please men in various ways. It's showing men as THE power figures that must demand that women do everything that men want them to. And there is a standard "set of things" that they should "do" while having sex. It's painting a picture of how men and women should behave during sex that is quite far from what real life looks like.
In this article I'll try to answer some of the most common questions that boys, teenagers and men might have about sex but are too ashamed to ask their parents or someone that actually has an idea. All the obvious and not-so-obvious things that I'm still learning myself.
With the creation of this material I want to influence both the parents and the children in our dysfunctional society to open up the subject.
Parents - don't be ashamed of talking about sex with your children - it's important for them as much as for you. If you have never done it - go out and do it now. Use this article as a reference on what you should tell your child. If you don't want to talk to them - send it to them. Do something today so your child would be able to develop a healthy sexuality.
Young men and women - don't be ashamed of talking about sex and lovemaking. Don't be ashamed of being curious and asking questions. And don't judge the people you inquire if they're too ashamed to talk about it - they were raised with as much shame(if not more) as you have in yourselfes.
The truth is that sex is a normal, natural, integral, core part of us as human beings. And it should be treated as such.
So - here are my insights on sex, porn, women and lovemaking.
If you're currently recovering from porn, masturbation or sex addiction the material below could be a trigger. Also be weary that there is some explicit language ahead.
What is sex?
It's basically the act of putting a man's penis in a woman's vagina and then moving the penis in and out of the vagina until an orgasm occurs. There is also oral sex(blowjob) in which a woman takes the penis inside her mouth instead of her vagina. The man's version of that is taking a woman's clitoris in the man's mouth and stroking it with his tongue while optionally putting his fingers in her vagina at the same time. There is also hand-job in which the woman uses only her hand(s) to stroke a man's penis or in the reverse roles a man uses his hand to touch and caress a woman's clitoris or put his fingers inside her vagina.
Sex can be also refereed to with the term "lovemaking" when there are emotions and passion between the two people. Lovemaking is always a much better and deeper experience than just having mechanical sex.
What is a penis and a vagina?
Both are organs that have different parts in themselves. You can check out the Wikipedia pages on penis and vagina - there are also some pictures of the different parts of the organs in there.
If you want to give a good oral sex to a woman you need to know where her clitoris is(and use that knowladge)!
Should both of us get to orgasm during sex?
Most often sex ends when the man gets to orgasm and ejaculation. Women - especially younger and more inexperienced ones - may not be able to get to the point of orgasm in the first couple of times that they have sex. So sometimes they don't get to orgasm but they still experience pleasure. Other times women get to orgasm before men do. The best feeling is when both men and women get to come together.
The whole idea of having sex is not to get to the orgasm in the fastest possible way but to enjoy the whole experience of touching, kissing, caressing, connecting and experiencing pleasure with the other person on both physical and emotional level.
Younger men(teenagers) most oftenly get to an orgasm quicker than women. However due to the higher hormone levels they can get to orgasm and ejaculation multiple times(2-3-4) per night with very short pause between them. In contrast older men most oftenly get to experiance orgasm 1 or 2 times per night and may need more time to "recharge".
How do I get a woman to have an orgasm while having sex with me?
This question is a hard one and depends on a lot of things. The rule of thumb is that a woman's orgasm comes from her mind. I think that's quite true with men too but we are more physical. So to get her to the point of orgasm you need to make her feel safe, loved, even romantic, to have a lot of foreplay before getting into the sex. A cozy place, low light, good music, flowers, tasty food and laughter is a good place to start. Having an emotional connection - sexual tension and love between the two of you can also go a long way.
What is foreplay?
Foreplay is all the things that you do together before doing the act of sex. Foreplay could be sexy sms-ing, naughty jokes, dinner, kissing, hugging, laughing, smelling each other, touching, caressing and everything that can turn you on and create sexual tension between the two of you. Foreplay is not rude and vulgar. Foreplay is naughty, funny, gentle and sexy.
Should I watch porn?
No you shouldn't. But you should definitely check out what it's all about. But be warned about it - yes there are sexy girls in there. Yes, the scenes are very hot and you're a horny teenager/man/woman who hasn't had sex in a while. But porn is not real sex. Real sex is sweaty, messy, emotional. Rarely in perfect conditions. But porn has a dark side also. The problem with porn is that it's connecting the act of having sex and ejaculating with the images, scenes, environment of what you're doing while masturbating. And it's addictive.
What are the risks associates with the use of porn?
The main problem with porn comes when you put most or all of your sexual energy towards it. Especially for men. When you ejaculate all by yourself you are depriving yourself of the life-force that drives you. The life force that makes you go outside, talk to the girl you like, live your real life, laugh, play, excel at your job, meet new people, find new women, love and have real sex. Don't deprive yourself of that energy.
When using porn regularly there is also the risk of:
- Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction - you watch so much porn that you can't get your dick hard when you get in front of a real woman.
- Premature Ejaculation - you're so exited that you get to "do it" with real woman that you ejaculate
- Performance Anxiety - you avoid hooking up with real women because you're afraid of poor performance
- Objectifying women - you don't accept women as real human beings as yourself but instead you think about them and you treat them like sex/fantasy objects trying always to get them to like you and have sex with you
- Escalation of porn fantasies - you stop being interested in the 'soft' porn and start watching more and more strange, fetish types in order to get erection and pleasure out of it
- Not having real-life sex - you use only porn to satisfy your sexual hunger and forget(or too afraid of) going out with real women and having real sex life
Don't get me wrong here - I'm not telling you "Don't watch porn". In fact - do whatever you feel right. Just be mindful of the risks and consequences of what you're doing.
From all the things that I listed above I've actually had PIED a couple of times a few years ago but it was not a big deal. However some people have real long-lasting problems with all these things so be wary of that.
If you want my advice - fuck porn and find real women. It's far more exciting, satisfying and overall way better experience. Especially when you make love instead of just sex.
Any more information about the effects of porn on my brain and life?
I'd recommend 'The great porn experiment' TED talk.
I think I'm addicted to porn. What should I do?
First you should decide that you really want to quit. Then you should change your lifestyle and daily routine - to include workouts, more healthy foods, getting out of your comfort zone, doing cold showers and talking to real women. Also there is a great communities called NoFap and pornfree that can help you with the process. Also you should subscribe to my email newsletter to receive even more such great advice as the one you're currently reading. :D
How do I masturbate healthy?
I'm actually not against masturbation. I think that it can be a healthy human behavior. There was actually fond of a joke a couple of years ago - "If you want someone to make love to you - you must first learn how to make love to yourself."
All in all I think the biggest problem with porn, nude images and all kinds of visualizations is that they create brain circuits that connect the image that you're visualizing with the act of sex/ejaculation. So you start craving the stimuli and associate real life sex with the images you visualize and see in the screen. In that regard I think if you masturbate without any kind of visualization it might not have a bad impact on your brain and life later on.
How often should I masturbate if I decide to do that?
I think that any more often than once every two weeks may lead to addiction and to some of the problems that I stated above. If you're doing it every day - stop!
Should I shave my pubes?
No if you don't want to. But girls like it a lot more when you've shaved your pubes and underarms. Or at least the ones that I talk to.
Shave or no shave - it's your choice. However you should always strive to be clean and good smelling. Shaving helps with that because it removes the hair that otherwise keeps the bad smell.
Should I feel ashamed of the nudity of my own body?
No. Men and a women's bodies are one of the most beautiful works of art of mother nature. And there is nothing shameful about that. Some of the biggest artist in the history of mankind chershed the nudity of the body.
Next time when you're getting a shower and you're in front of the mirror in your bathroom - take a good look at your body. Look at it and start loving it. It's yours and it's the only one that you'll have for the rest of your life so better love it than hate it. :)
How should I talk to and approach girls and women?
With respect, honesty and courage. Women are just like us but more beautiful. That means that they have their own fears, anxieties, hopes and dreams. So try to be normal, share yourself and don't beat yourself up if girls don't like you at first. Show them that you like them via compliments. Women like men to be confident. Practice makes perfect.
Also don't be best friends with the girl you're in love with.
I'm 15 and still a virgin. Am I a loser?
No, you're not. Actually 15 is a pretty young age when it comes to loosing your virginity. Don't listen what your classmates and society tells you about it. Best way to loose your virginity is with someone who loves you and you both explore yourselves together. I lost it with a random girl on a party and I still regret it a little.
How do I get a girlfriend?
Be confident, good looking, good smelling and don't pretent to be something you're not. Just be youself and don't be afraid to be vunerable and honest. Also don't obsess over someone that's obviously not into you. Don't be afraid to fall down, learn from the experiance and move on. Big ocean, many fish.
Also if you love a girl and she loves you - don't fuck up over stupid shit.
Should I tell my girlfriend that I'm a virgin?
Yes. There is nothing shameful about that. Tell her if you're planning to have sex together. Also there's this special thing about telling someone that you want to loose your virginity with them. Almost everyone is flattered. It's exciting and sexy. She becomes a special person. Don't waste that feeling.
If you tell her and she makes fun of you for it - she's probably not the one.
What is consent?
Consent is when you want to have sex with a girl and you are sure that the girl too wants to have sex with you. You're making sure she's having sex with you because she really wants it and not because of some other circumstance. It's hard to get consent from a girl when she's drunk or wasted. A good rule of thumb is that if you're both at a party and the girl is way more drunk than you are - it's better to not have sex with her. In some countries this could even be classified as a rape.
I have a girlfriend and we may be having sex? Any tips?
If you don't have a comfy place at your disposal - try to find one. If you can't - get a hotel room. Be sure to get a shower before that. Why not take the shower together. Make the place romantic - low light, candles, Joe Cocker.
You should know that the girl is as least as excited(and nervious) on the subject as you are. So don't pressure her. Also if she wants to pause and go to the bathroom just before you two have sex - let her do it. She's just making herself more beautiful for you.
Why use condom at all?
Because of Sexually Transited Diseases, HIV(AIDS) and undesired/unplanned pregnancy.
How to use a condom?
Here is a YouTube video of the process. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXlcEJhYVuc
If you think of having sex and you've never put on a condom before - go to the pharmacy, buy a couple and put one on just to see how it feels. Don't be ashamed of asking about condoms in the pharmacy. Having sex and using condoms is a normal, natural human thing(that everybody does).
Can a condom tare/brake? What happens then?
Yes - condoms can tear apart during sex. It's quite rare but it happens from time to time. If you don't want undesired pregnancy you should take "morning after pill". They're quite effective(89% chance to prevent pregnancy) but have to be taken as soon as possible after the act so - don't hesitate. The "morning after pill" can have some side effects regarding the hormonal balance of the girl that is taking it so they should be avoided in general, but when the occasion happens and you don't have other choice - you should definitely take one.
Should I brag about having sex with a woman in front of my friends?
No. It's not cool. Having sex with a woman should not be something to brag about(except maybe your first time). If you like this girl and don't want to hurt her, you should keep your mouth shut. Why? Because making love is a very intimate thing for her. I presume it's for you too. A thing that makes both of you vunerable. Would you want your secret, vunerable, intimate sides of your personality exposed to your strangers? I guess not. She feels the same way. So don't do it.
Should I cheat on my girlfriend?
Haha. That's a good one. No. You. Should. Not. Unless she's ok with it(open relationship). I once cheated on one of my girlfriends and kissed with another girl when I was in a relationsip. My girlfriend didn't find out but the next few days I felt like shit. So my opinion - don't do it.
That's everything that I can think of right now. If you have any more questions that you didn't find an answer in here - send them at apostol [at] slavetohero.com and I'll try to personally answer them as best as I can. I read every email and guarantee full anonymity.
If you think that someone else might benefit from this knowledge - send this article to them. Share it. If you're a parent - talk to your kids about it. Tell your best friends to talk to their own kids too. Take action right now to make everyone's future life better.
Sex life can be an intimidating obstacle in a young person's path towards adulthood. But it also can be this magical journey of happiness and love. The difference is what we focus on - the fears and shame of what could go wrong - or the excitement and love of discovering this new part of one's self. It's your choice.